


Riding in Batcars with Boys

by Lysical



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Dried mangoes started all of this, Getting Together, M/M, Making Out, Pettiness is all the motivation Jason needs to do just about anything, car theft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 10:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11826705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lysical/pseuds/Lysical
Summary: An innocent quest for snacks leads Jason and Kyle into their usual shenanigans, but things take a different turn when they end up stealing the Batmobile.





	Riding in Batcars with Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday Jason, I got you a boyfriend. 
> 
> As for continuity, ah, this starts of in my normal Gen continuity and then branches and ends up somewhere else.

Grocery shopping in a near empty store at an unreasonable time of night wasn’t exactly unusual for Jason, but normally he didn’t have an annoying Lantern tagging along behind him.

“So, I hear you’re an international war criminal now.”

Jason snorted, rolling his eyes. “Seriously, did you come all the way back to Earth just to say that?”

“Of course not.” Kyle slumped over the end of the shopping cart, yawning. “You’re not important enough to get your new status broadcast across galaxies. I saw it when I got back. Nice wanted poster. Do you think you’d have diplomatic immunity if we told them you were technically ruler of an alien planet?”

“Former rulers don’t count,” Jason replied, frowning at the empty shelf in the dried fruit section. “There’s no dried mango.”

“Get a different fruit?”

“We can no longer be friends.” Jason hunted through the shelf to see if he might have missed anything, but the shelves were sadly empty of mango and overflowing with other, lesser fruits that he did not want to eat.

“I’d say I was sad about that but I’m pretty sure that’s the first time you’ve ever admitted we were friends to begin with, so I’ll take the win.” After a moment of silence, Kyle sighed. “Have you finished mourning your mangoes yet? I literally crossed entire galaxies just to visit you and see your face.”

Jason gave him a look that he hoped conveyed his utter contempt. “You want me to have a look at your Space Evidence and help you in whatever Space Nonsense you’re up to now.”

“First of all, please stop putting ‘Space’ in front of everything, it’s getting ridiculous and I can hear you capitalize it.” Kyle scrambled to keep his balance when Jason jerked the cart away and started storming down the aisle. “And for your information, I…totally did come here just for that, I’m sorry. Are we breaking up over this? Are we going back to being sworn enemies?”

“We were never sworn enemies,” Jason replied. “You were just being a jealous idiot and I thought it was funny.”

“I don’t remember it like that.”

“Well, you’re remembering it wrong.” Jason rushed through the checkout, grabbing his bags and storming out of the store, a foul mood darkening his footsteps. How hard was it to keep dried mango stocked, really? “I’ve known Donna since I was fourteen. What you were seeing did not exist.”

“I may have gone a little overb—where are you going?” Kyle grabbed him by the arm. “Your place is the other way and maybe I understated the urgency of my visit but—”

Jason shook off his arm. “I’m going to try another place. Surely there’s dried mango somewhere in this damn city.”

“It’s two in the morning and you really want to hunt for mango?” Kyle asked. “Like, I think that’s what I heard, but I just want to be sure we’re on the same page here.”

“I was looking forward to it,” Jason said, crossing his arms with a scowl. “And it’s a good food to have stocked, okay? It lasts a long time if I have to disappear for months on end.”

Kyle sighed. “I’m getting that creeping foreboding feeling again, that one that says ‘Abort, abort, this is how you end up arrested in Australia for crocodile smuggling’ or something.”

“Why would we be smuggling crocodiles?”

“I don’t know, it just seems like something you and I would end up doing that I would be embarrassed to explain to Hal and the others,” Kyle replied. “Basically how I feel nearly every time we team up without Donna around to be the adult. I think you’re a bad influence.”

“I’ve never smuggled crocodiles in my life,” Jason said, crossing the street and heading further into the East End. “Meanwhile, you were the one who got us arrested on that weird planet with the giant hamster aliens.”

“That’s true.” Kyle caught up and matched his pace. At least he wasn’t wearing his ridiculous Lantern getup and sticking out like a sore thumb. “I’m also older than you. I guess that means Batman’s right and I’m the bad influence.”

“Batman is never right.” Jason scowled. He’d just had an argument with the man earlier that day about his last mission with the Outlaws, as if Batman had any say over what any of them did. Goddamn overbearing, self-righteous, condescending, rodent-identifying old man. “Even when he’s right, he’s wrong.”

“Yeah, because it’s not like you’re biased or anything.” Kyle stopped suddenly, staring at the end of the alley they were walking down, where a certain car was parked. “Shit, is that his car? Is he nearby?”

It was mildly amusing, watching Kyle tense up and act like the mouth of Hell was suddenly going to open up and swallow him—it wasn’t like Jason didn’t sometimes feel the same way about the man. He hummed thoughtfully, sticking his hand in his jacket pocket and fiddling with the device he’d been working on over the last couple of days.

He’d been saving it for a special occasion, and maybe this was a waste of a very limited ace up his sleeve, but Jason couldn’t resist. He needed something to brighten his mood and this fit the bill perfectly.

“Jason? Jason, why are you wearing your scheming face?” Kyle asked, waving a hand in front of Jason’s eyes. “That face has yet to get us anywhere good and you know it, and I’m putting my foot down. One of us has to be the responsible adult, and it looks like it’s going to have to be me.” Kyle nodded, firmly, folding his arms over his chest. “I’m not going to let you talk me into anything that sounds remotely like it will end in shenanigans, okay? My will is green and indomitable.”

Jason pulled the device out of his pocket and smirked. “I’m going to steal the Batmobile.”

Silence.

Kyle blinked several times and took a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. “Okay, that sounds amazing, I’m in. You convinced me.”

“Bent your arm, did I?” Jason asked, amused, turning on his little secret weapon and praying that Bruce hadn’t updated the security on the car too recently. Then, with a shrug, he pressed the small button that should hopefully key into the security protocols that he’d taken from the Cave last week and give him remote access to the car’s systems.

The Batmobile’s lights came on and the doors unlocked with a click that echoed through the empty alley.

“This is such a terrible idea,” Kyle said, grinning and following Jason towards the car. “And yet here I am. Can I drive?”

“Hell no,” Jason replied. “I’ve seen your driving, I want to at least get out of the city with this thing before we crash.”

“You act like crashing is inevitable.”

“I like to plan ahead.”

Was Jason petty enough to steal Batman’s car and take it for a joyride that would end with it in a fiery ruin at the bottom of a cliff, just to piss off of the old man?

Absolutely.

It wasn’t even a question.

***

Getting into the car was the easy part. The hard part was disabling the security built in that would let the Batcomputer or Oracle access and control the car remotely, effectively ending their little joyride before it began. Jason had only a few minutes to work with before someone noticed something had happened, sooner if Oracle had a lull in her work or was paying particularly close attention.

It was a good thing that Jason had spent so long working with the car as a kid and knew it practically inside and out. The car might’ve been upgraded after the bomb scare back when Jason had exposed one of the old design flaws in the security, but the internal systems were still largely the same as they ever were, and he’d had a sneak peek at them last week when he’d been at the manor and Bruce had taken a break from being a high and mighty tool and gone upstairs to take a call from Lucius Fox.

Perhaps Kyle sensed that Jason was doing delicate work, because he stayed still and silent in the passenger seat, rotating the ring on his finger idly.

The first layer of security went down with the most trouble, the second was a piece of a cake, but Jason was nearly caught out when he almost didn’t notice the little back-door someone had left behind to give a third layer. That took a little more work and was narrow enough that the dashboard lit up with an incoming call just as he managed to get rid of it, silently thanking the heavens that Bruce had kept a full console in the car to work with.

“We good?” Kyle asked, as Jason started the car and pressed a button on the car’s dashboard computer to mute the incoming call that was most likely Oracle being her impressively omniscient self.  

“For now,” Jason replied, gunning the engine and peeling out of the alley, heading immediately towards the highway that would take them through Burnley and from there over Trigate Bridge to the mainland.

The Batmobile’s main console started lighting up with attempted calls and, when Jason ignored all of those, his phone started buzzing in his pocket, as Oracle no doubt figured out who exactly had managed to take down the security. He pulled the phone out and tossed it at Kyle. “Tell me how bad it is.”

Kyle hummed, scrolling through the phone. “Okay, uh, let’s see…your siblings think you’re nuts—wow they just noticed? Someone called Kate wants you to remember that you’re an adult and should be above such petty rebellious acts, but she also said that this is literally going to be your one and only opportunity to make out in the Batmobile and you better not waste it.”

Jason glanced over. “She said that? Or is that you with like, the absolute worst line in the world?”

“I’m paraphrasing,” Kyle replied, grinning. “But seriously, today I stole Batman’s car, and if I don’t add ‘making out with Batman’s son in Batman’s car’ to my list of misdeeds then my death will have meant nothing.”

“I can’t believe Donna ever agreed to date you,” Jason replied.

Kyle shrugged. “Come on, Jason. You really going to send me back in space to meet Hal Jordan without an epic ‘guess who I made out with in Batman’s stolen car’ story?”

“Appealing to my pettiness to get me to make out with you is—” Jason snorted, pulling over to the side of the road “—is exactly how to get me to make out with you, who the fuck am I kidding?” And with that he shoved the driver’s seat back and climbed over, straddling Kyle in the passenger seat. He settled his weight across Kyle's lap and stared down at him, one eyebrow raised. “If you were joking you should probably tap out now, Rayner.”

“What? Back to last names already?” Kyle asked, hands drifting from Jason’s waist to thighs and back again, eventually settling at the small of his back. “I was going to say you were heavier than a girl but…I figure you probably know that.”

“No shit.”

“This is not how I imagined stealing Batman’s car to go,” Kyle said, licking his lips as his fingers started massaging the skin underneath Jason’s shirt. “But I can’t say I’m disappointed. Which, seeing as I’m straight—”

Jason snorted.

“—thought I was straight.” Kyle shrugged. “Anyway, I’m sure I’m supposed to being having some kind of crisis right now, but I’m pretty sure if we don’t start making out soon I’ll lose my chance at this forever, so—”

Whatever else he had to say got muffled as Jason pressed their mouths together clumsily. Despite his bravado, kissing guys in the Batmobile wasn’t actually something he did on the regular, or even ever, really. Kyle gave a muffled protest and then one of his arms hooked around Jason’s neck and he was licking into his mouth.

Heat was pooling rapidly in his gut and Kyle broke away from his mouth to tilt his head back and go for his neck and Jason had never really seen the appeal in having someone suck on his neck before now. He swallowed, shifting his weight on Kyle’s lap and biting his lip at the groan Kyle muffled against his neck. The thermally regulated Batmobile interior was feeling very hot all of a sudden.

“This is the best idea you’ve ever had,” Jason said, shivering as Kyle’s hands delved back under his shirt and ran up and down his sides.

Kyle pulled away, breathing heavily. His eyes were blown wide and Jason’s gaze was drawn unerringly to his lips when he sucked the bottom one into his mouth and chewed on it. “I just had a thought.”

“That compliment wasn’t permission for you to keep thinking,” Jason said, leaning down to kiss him again.

Kyle responded enthusiastically for a few moments, but then broke away. “Does your dad have surveillance in this thing? Is he watching us right now?”

Jason closed his eyes and sighed, slumping forward and burying his face against Kyle’s shoulder. “You ruined it. You fucking ruined it.”

“Yeah, I guess the mood was pretty thoroughly ruined when I started talking about your dad while making out with you,” Kyle said agreeably, laughing. His hands were still under Jason’s shirt, running up and down his back. It was…nice. “If you wanted to, we could go somewhere else and like…talk about this? Or am I on your shit list forever now?”

Jason sighed, pushing himself up in Kyle’s lap and giving him a thoughtful look. “If you want this to go any further, I need dried mango.”

For a moment, Kyle just stared back at him. “…I will get you all the dried mango you want. I will literally go around the world and get you the best damn mango, right now.”

“You go do that,” Jason said, sliding back over to the driver’s seat. “I’m going to…dispose of this.”

An hour later, the Batmobile was a flaming wreckage at the bottom of a cliff and Jason had dried mango and a boyfriend.

All in all, a better night than he’d first expected.

**Author's Note:**

> I still have no idea how to write ship fic okay.


End file.
